Back out or Face it!

I am an extrovert. I love talking to people. It makes me happy. But here’s something contrasting to this personality, I’m scared of asking for a pack of biscuits at a general store, buying a juice at a juice shop or even asking the grocer for grocery. Strange as it may sound but I’ve always felt self-conscious to talk to any shopkeeper even for the littlest of the things that I need to buy.

While I’ve been appraised by people for my confidence and boldness in conversing, I wonder what the reason for my shyness is for doing a thing as petty as this. No wonder I like the idea of super-markets where one is not intimidated by the shopkeepers and can help herself on her own. Some may think how is it a big deal but to me it’s more than a deal, an ordeal. Buying even a bottle of water to quench my thirst takes all my energy. I would rehearse the whole act of buying a million times in my head like I’m here to impress the shopkeeper with my verbal skills and like he’d give the stuff for free if I were good enough. “An orange juice please, I need an orange juice, I’ll buy an orange juice, can I get an orange juice and it goes on...”. And while all the jabbering is happening in my mind, I reach the counter. My undivided focus is on my nervous hands clenching the money. It’s my turn in the queue. I look up to the person in-charge there. My mouth goes dry. My face is flustered. Words hardly come out of my mouth.  I want to run from here. My voice is barely heard. Unable to comprehend, he asks, “what do you want Ma’am?” I stutter, stammer and hastily place my order once again. My subconscious sneers at me saying, ‘’for heaven’s sake, you are paying for what you buy, why do you have to be so embarrassed and nervous?”

It might all seem like I’m overthinking a simple issue, but it isn’t simple to me because it’s something I need to overcome to communicate fearlessly. Going out to buy something is a part of our daily lives, as important and unavoidable as a shower in a hot weather. I had to find a solution to this problem, a challenge rather. Avoiding the situation doesn’t help in the long run. I took my inhibitions for granted. I didn’t realise there could be something as deep as ‘self-worth’ that could be the underlying reason for my shyness. I feared to state my rights without hesitation in front of people. The fear of being misjudged and misperceived surfaced my behaviour. Some needs unmet, some wishes unfulfilled made me conscious about asserting my simple wants in life. Whenever I required something I’d look for people around me to get me what I wanted. I’m an independent person in general but I realised I lack mental and emotional independence at some levels. It’s easy to be dependent and hold onto a crutch. But the fact is such a crutch can be held onto only temporarily. A Crutch too may fall apart someday. I’ve made my decision. I’m not going to surrender to my inhibitions. I’ll make sure I don’t ask my friends or family to order for me, instead I will take the lead. However uncomfortable it gets initially, I won’t give up.

Every small habit, various obsessions, even the most trivial mannerisms tell a tale about us. Unveil your secrets by observing yourself. Grow out of your fears, face them. After all, it’s you who can help yourself the best.